Follow the link...

I won't be writing here anymore because I finally have the new journal ready! Follow the link to new baby excitement...

http://www.abendintheroad.com/journal/

I will now start sending out notification emails to anyone who wants them whenever I write an update. If you want to be on the list, email me and let me know. Also, I will continue to make Ofoto albums available but I have the links in a passworded folder. Email me at the same address for the password -- I just want to know who's looking at the pictures. A mom thing, you know how it is!

Smile!

One Month!

Happy One Monthday, Gavin! I can hardly believe it's been a month already, even though it has been the longest month in the history of the world. Or of my life at least. But if it has been the longest, it has certainly been the most incredible, deeply touching month.

Sunday was a big day for Gavin. He had two firsts, his first bath in the tub and his first smile. He smiled! At me! As I expected, it was the most incredible thing, second only to when he smiled at Jason on Monday. I am so looking forward to the smiles becoming more regular and more pronounced. He's so beautiful when he smiles!

I have bath pictures, naturally, but I haven't uploaded them yet. I've been working on a new look for the journal since it's not a pregnancy journal anymore. As soon as I get that all set up, I'll have the pictures available.

how its going

This entry has taken me a number of days to write, as I only have time here and there to add to it. It's really kind of an extension of the birth story, as it chronicles our first days with Gavin. There are lots of details and it might be interesting only to me, but as with the birth story I know later I will be gald I put down all these details!

Our time in the hospital with Gavin was one long, unending day. We slept maybe a total of six or seven hours the entire time we were there from Sunday noon until Wednesday afternoon. It was hard to sleep, even when we had the chance. I couldn't fall asleep for worrying about Gavin. If he made a noise I had to peek at him and if he wasn't making any noise I had to peek at him. I was afraid to take off my glasses because I wouldn't be able to see him whenever I needed to, so what little sleep I got was made more uncomfortable because of having them on. Despite the lack of sleep, I think we did very well. I don't remember feeling overtired - adrenalin is a most amazing thing.

Later on Monday, the day Gavin was born, a nurse stopped by and told me I needed to try to go to the bathroom. She helped me sit up and get out of bed, which was very painful and difficult because of my stitches. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do more than sit up without going all lightheaded and getting a ringing in my ears. The nurse told me to lay back down and we would try again in an hour or two. An hour or two later it was the same thing so she had me use a bedpan, which was soooo hard, you just don't realize how conditioned you are not to pee except on the toilet until someone tells you to pee in bed! When the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was extremely low - 90/50 or thereabouts - so she ordered an IV for me to get some fluids into me. Once that was in, my BP improved some, slowly, but I was still not able to stand without nearly passing out. Eventually I was able to get to the bathroom and go, but while sitting there I very nearly passed out and the nurse had to call two other nurses to help me back to bed. They dragged a chair over and put me on it, then dragged the chair and me back to my bed. I'm sure we made quite a sight! Gradually, with the IV and food in my belly, I felt better and better and my blood pressure increased. By late morning I was able to get up with some assistance from a nurse, and sometime in the afternoon I got up all by myself with no nurses around for the very first time.

Monday bled into Tuesday. During that night, Gavin was fussy and crying nonstop. Nothing we tried calmed him down and we were both exhausted and frustrated. I cried, feeling like a failure and a horrible mother. Jason finally decided to take him to the nursery so we could sleep. I hated to do it, because it made me feel even more a failure, but as he said, we weren't doing Gavin any good being so tired and frustrated - we needed sleep. So Jason wheeled Gavin to the nursery and we slept until a nurse brought him back about three hours later for a feeding. We both felt so much better that afterwards I knew Jason had made the right decision, even though it still bothered me to have done it.

Sitting up to nurse was extremely painful because of my stitches, but I did it anyway. Motherhood, it seems, has a way of making you ignore your personal discomfort for the good of your child! Nursing seemed to be going pretty well. I felt as if we were getting pretty good latch-ons overall. The only problem we were having was that he consistently had trouble latching onto the right side, so we asked the morning nurse for a lactation consultant to visit us later that day. It took until the afternoon, but she eventually stopped by. She was very helpful and Jason and I felt much more confident in what we were doing (we, because he was helping me get Gavin latched on).

We opted to stay at the hopsital until Wednesday, even though we could have left Tuesday evening. Our experience the previous night with sending Gavin to the nursery had been so positive, we wanted to take advantage of having that option for as long as possible. Tuesday night we did send Gavin to the nursery again. I can't remember if he was inconsolable or if we just decided we needed to sleep without worrying about him. I still felt guilty sending him away, but knew we needed the sleep.

By Wednesday morning, breastfeeding had gone downhill and I was frustrated again. We again requested a lactation consultant. She showed up in the late morning and was even more helpful than the first. In fact, without her help I don't know what I would have done, as I'm sure once we got home and the nipple soreness kicked in, I would have been even more tempted to cheat with forumla than I was (no, I haven't cheated, and I won't, but I can't deny being tempted!).

When the pediatrician visited Gavin Wednesday morning to okay the discharge, he was concerned about jaundice. Gavin wasn't overly yellow, but apparently he was more yellow than he should have been for being only two days old. The ped ordered a bilirubin test and it took a few hours to get the results back from that. That turned out to be fortunate, because I found I wanted the lactation consultant again when I tried feeding Gavin later after her visit in the morning.

Gavin's bili levels came back at 14.1, which was 0.1 over the threshold where they begin considering it a potentially serious case. We were instructed to take him to a Children's Hospital clinic near us the next morning to be tested again, but they okayed our discharge. We left the hospital around 4:30 Wednesday afternoon.

The first night home was extremely overwhelming. I was terrified when it came to bedtime, as if the mere fact that we were home meant something terrible was going to happen. I was completely overwhelmed by being home and having the full weight of responsibility for the little soul resting on myself and Jason. I'm sure I was also coming down off the rush from being in the hospital and having the baby, and that I was starting to feel the lack of sleep finally! That night we left the hall light on, and that helped some, but I still slept lightly and very poorly, waking every half hour it seems to check that he was still breathing. Thankfully I've grown a bit more confident that he can breathe on his own at night.

Thursday we took him to the nearby clinic to have his blood drawn for his bilirubin levels again. His levels on Thursday were 17.9, which was a huge jump, so the pediatrician prescribed phototherapy. That afternoon, a nurse stopped by and introduced us to the light blanket, which he had to wear 24 hours a day, or as close to that as possible. We also had to take him in for testing each day. It was a hassle to deal with that blanket, and heartbreaking at first to deal with the idea that my baby wasn't perfect, but we adjusted and dealt with it and made it through just fine. His Saturday bili level was 17.6 and on Monday we were told it was okay to take him off the light blanket.

Since then, the days have flowed from one into the next in a haze of diapers and feedings and hormonal crying. We are slowly finding a rhythm in this new life, a pattern in the course of each day. We are all learning about and getting to know each other - Jason and I about Gavin, and he about us. As cliched as it sounds, we are gradually falling in love with each other. I find myself looking at the small creature in awe, filled with an incredible depth of wonder and a new kind of love I've never felt before. When he is crying and crying and I pick him up and cuddle him and whisper in his ear and he calms down immediately, I am filled with an incredible feeling of -- of power? Being needed? I don't know what to call it, but it touches me in a deep place I never knew was there. With each passing day, the positive moments of being a mother are starting to outweigh the moments where I am sure I can't possibly suceed, that the job is far too large and overwhelming for me. I put the emphasis on starting to, as there are still plenty of times each day when I wonder what I've gotten myself into and long (with plenty of accompanying guilt) for the days before baby.

We have gone out on several small trips since coming home with Gavin. We took him to the clinic, of course, every day for three days. We have visited several relatives, and we have gone to the grocery a couple of times. Today we had our biggest adventure and went back to my old work. They had a Secretary's Day celebration and invited me to come so they could thank me for my help the past year. Even though we were only gone for a couple of hours, I was exhausted when we got home and put us both to bed for a nap. Bit by bit we're getting the hang of this baby thing.

link for pictures

I believe I discovered the trouble - you need to be logged into Ofoto to see albums. So, either create an accoubt and log in with that or use the accunt I mention in the last entry, then click the link for the album. Hopefully that will work!

We're on day 10 now and things are going pretty well. I'm being ravaged by the Evil Hormone Monster now, worse than ever, which makes life rough. Hellish, even. But in between assaults I am well and happy with my son. (My son!) Must go now, the boy is hungry again!